Happiness
Years ago, I had a job that involved running a large crew. I hired a consultant, an industrial psychologist, to help me with team building, stress reduction and conflict management. During one of his presentations, he gave us a definition of happiness. He said it had five elements: health, freedom, security, rewarding work and requited love. I really liked that formulation and spent a lot of time thinking about it. Here are some of those thoughts.
Physical health is a crap shoot. You can get screwed by your genes, hit by lightening or t-boned by a drunk driver. You can get caught in an epidemic, bit by the wrong mosquito or infected during a hospital stay. I think the only appropriate response, aside from fatalism, is to try to improve the odds. You will probably live a longer and healthier life if you avoid smoking, use mood altering chemicals in moderation or not at all, and keep your weight somewhere this side of obese. I find that regular exercise helps both the mind and body. If you’re old, lift weights. It improves balance. Lots of old geezers are prematurely disabled because they fall down.
There is also another proactive step available. When I toured the Biltmore House in Asheville, I learned that the original owner died young of appendicitis. One of the richest people on earth could not buy a cure that is now readily available. Medical science has come a long way. Lots of stuff that used to kill or disable can now be mitigated or cured. Pay attention to the signals your body is sending and get the parts checked regularly. You might very well end up with more healthy days as a result.
Mental health is also a crap shoot. Some forms of mental illness seem to be mitigated with pills and/or talk therapy, but the results are very patchy. We are only beginning to figure out how the brain operates. In the mean time, I have three ideas that have helped me.
First, get rid of resentments. They are a waste of time and poison to the psyche. If you are really willing and able to do something about the object of your resentment, do it. But drain the emotion first. You will need calculation and cunning to get the job done. As for the other 99% of stuff you are pissed off about, you are wasting your time and energy. I got a lot of help on this issue from a woman I heard years ago who said she had been told to get rid of resentments, and thought she didn’t have any. It turned our to be a semantic problem; she was calling them opinions. I need to remember that my opinions are just that–my opinions. Might be right; might be wrong. They should always be amenable to change if I encounter new information and/or a persuasive argument.
Second, worrying is a waste of time. We worry because we are confronted with a problem we can’t solve. If we could solve it, it wouldn’t be a problem. So, we need to make room in our head for something that has not yet occurred to us. Empty the mind; go on to some pleasant thought; give the mind room to accept a new thought. And . . . ask for advice–from an expert is one if available, or from someone with a different perspective. In the end, the problem may not be solvable. In which case, it is no longer a problem; it’s a fact we have to learn to live with.
Finally, stress is not objective; it’s an inside job. I met guys in Nam who were not even stressed by combat. We create the stress, not the traffic or the boss or the MAN. I have found that, if I can work up the nerve, confronting the source of my stress head-on a few times diminishes the stress level, or eliminates it altogether. Basically, the same technique the shrinks use in dealing with phobias. Gradual and escalating exposure.
Freedom means that I can think, say or do whatever I like. I can advocate for any position. The caveat is that I may not harm others in the process. Harm, by the way, does not include hurt feelings. If my words hurt your feelings, I say . . . GROW UP! Freedom does not mean anarchy. There are parts of the world that have no regulation whatever, but the residents aren’t free. They live in fear of marauding thugs who will kill them and/or steal their meager possessions. We are fortunate to live in America, one of the freest societies in human history. In my view, our freedoms are threatened by the regulatory State, but lots of us continue to fight that behemoth, and Americans are particularly good at evading regulations.
Freedom and security are closely coupled. Security is first and foremost about physical security. National defense, police protection and a non-corrupt judicial system. Without those things, there is neither freedom nor security. Security also means financial security. Depending on government for financial security is a poor bet in my view. If you work hard enough to support yourself, and save for a rainy day/retirement, you are a lot more secure. It also makes sense to buy a decent deadbolt and earthquake and/or flood insurance.
What are the rewards of work??? Why would work be rewarding? I say that providing for your own support, and the needs of others who depend on you, should be a great source of pride. No matter how mundane the work, if it accomplishes that goal, it is a big success. Once that threshold is passed, I say rewarding work is anything the accomplishment of which gives you a sense of satisfaction. This blog is rewarding work, even if nobody reads it. If I organize my thoughts; if I present them in a succinct and coherent fashion; and if my logic hangs together, I’m proud of the work. I’m rewarded.
Finally, love, sweet love. When we are young (longer for some), we confuse it with lust. It is often confused with emotional fulfillment–the perfect mate will complete me. Neither is a realistic view.
A woman I used to work with was in a scheduling bind. She had to make a public hearing in a remote location. She needed her car to get there, but she had lent it to a friend/houseguest who had lost the keys. She said (approximately), “how can I have friends if they are so unreliable?” In an uncharacteristic moment of good sense, I responded that she could have an unreliable friend to whom she did not lend her car. Any lasting relationship with a friend or mate needs acceptance. Your mate is your mate, warts and all. People in relationships may modify their behavior and attitudes a bit to accommodate each other, but personality transplants are not yet on offer.
The second requirement is the opposite of fulfillment; it’s unconditional giving. You give to the person you love without demanding tradeoff. You work at being a majority party in the giving quotient (because you have rationalized your share much higher that it actually is–extra effort might get you to 50%). If your efforts are spurned or scorned, it’s probably time to find a new mate or friend. But the act of unconditional love is what love is all about. Happiness results from the giving, not the getting.
I don’t know anybody who seems to be happy all the time, but people who work at the stuff I listed seem to be happy a lot of the time. I’m happy if I work at it.
